How to Break the Constant Goal Chasing & Start Celebrating Your Successes [ep. #174]
Hello lovely lady and welcome to Higher Self & I!
Are you caught in the relentless cycle of goal-chasing, never pausing to celebrate your wins? Today, I talk about a trap many high achievers fall into: the inability to savor the moment and acknowledge their successes. It's a common struggle—always reaching for the next milestone without ever feeling satisfied with the present. But here's the twist: what if I told you that this constant pursuit could be robbing you of joy and gratitude in your journey?
Join me as we explore strategies to break free from this pattern, find a balance between ambition and gratitude, and learn to embrace the incredible achievements you've worked so hard for. Whether it's hitting a new record in your business or changing someone's perception of success, it's time to give yourself permission to say, "Wow, I did that!" and truly appreciate that moment.
Tune in to discover how to enjoy your journey to success and celebrate your wins, no matter how big or small. Let's go, baby!
Topics covered on Breaking the Cycle of Constant Goal Chasing:
Why do high achievers struggle to celebrate their own success?
How does constant goal-chasing hinder your ability to feel satisfied?
What is destination happiness, and why is it a flawed concept?
The comparison trap and never feeling good enough.
What role does self-validation play in recognizing your accomplishments?
A simple practice that can shift your focus from constant goal-chasing to present gratitude.
How can creating an evidence bank help you appreciate your journey?
Connect with Bec:
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Quote:
"Perfectionism is a form of self-sabotage." - Rebecca Haydon
Transcription: Our AI tried its best, but expect a few quirky typos in the transcript. Embrace the imperfections and enjoy the read!
[00:00:00] Hello, gorgeous lady, and welcome back to Higher Self & I. We are going deep into the subconscious mind today and talking about something that comes up with a lot of my clients, and that is not allowing yourself to actually celebrate what's going on in your life, in your business, and continuously moving on to the next.
[00:00:23] That energy of Always chasing a result. And not only that, but the energy of always chasing it and never being happy with it. Even when you are hitting records that you were like dreaming of a couple of months ago, a couple of years ago. Even when your life has changed to the extent that two years ago you would literally be bowled over by seeing what you're doing now or what you're achieving or what you're earning or who you're working with or how you're showing up online or how you are in your business and not allowing yourself to actually celebrate, to actually be happy for yourself, to actually go, wow, I've just done that, or I've just created that, or I've just changed that person's life.
[00:01:18] But from the moment of you achieving it, boom, you're on to the next. Boom, you're on to the next. Boom, you're on to the next. And so you're in this continuous cycle of going after your goals, going after your dreams, going after your desires. But never feeling anything, never feeling what you think it's going to give you, never allowing yourself to stop and look and be grateful and be, oh, so in awe of what you have done, of what you've been working on, of what you've achieved.
[00:01:54] And this sets you up for so much unhappiness and for so much, a lot of grasping in your business. Because. Nothing is ever good enough, nothing's ever enough, nothing you do is ever good enough, nothing you do is ever enough, because you're constantly in this pattern of, well, I've hit that, now what's next?
[00:02:19] Well, I've hit that, now what's next? Now, what I want to say to start off with is, this is a usual trait of a high achiever. And if you are listening to this podcast, I know you're one of them. Because that is the type of client I love to work with. That is the type of client that I attract, the type of client that I speak to.
[00:02:44] Because high achievers, oh my God, the things that we go on to do, right? But actually we need to find a way that we can have this striving, this determination, this tenacity, this go getter, this hungry for [00:03:00] success, but balance it with. The gratitude and the happiness and the pride of what you're doing on the journey.
[00:03:11] Because at that moment, you're not actually ever in the journey. If we're constantly striving to the next, to the next, to the next, we're constantly striving to the future, which is a great thing. However, if we are pinning our happiness, our success, our joy, our experience of life onto this next thing.
[00:03:35] You're never going to get there because there's always going to be something else that you want to work on. There's always going to be something else that you want to achieve. There's always going to be something else that you want to conquer. And actually we need to make sure that you enjoy the process.
[00:03:51] You enjoy the journey and you give yourself those moments of. Oh my goodness, look what I've done. Oh my God, look what I have just achieved. Oh my God, look what I have just brought into my life. And that's still okay to have that celebration and keep working. And that's exactly what I'm going to be talking about in today's podcast episode.
[00:04:13] So I wanted to start off with having a look at the reasons why some of the subconscious beliefs, some of the behaviors around not letting yourself celebrate. And this, as I see. Like I said, happens a lot within my clients, uh, and I really call them out on it, you know, like, we have a lot of conversations about them hitting certain things, a lot of the time people come into my one to one containers and like, within the first month, two months, they're like, what the hell is going on?
[00:04:42] Like, I've done this, and I've done this, and we've, we've had this, and we've, we've achieved this. And I have to go, okay, yes, and that's exactly what you wanted to do. So let's have a moment. Let's celebrate. Let's create the evidence bank, which I'm going to be speaking about later today, and start to really understand the now.
[00:05:02] Start to be really present with what's going on. So a couple of things that I see, behavior wise and subconscious, to not allow yourself To celebrate and to always be chasing the next result and never being happy with it. The first one I see is perfectionism slash setting extremely high standards for yourself.
[00:05:29] Now, with perfectionism, and this setting of extremely high standards of yourself, you're constantly putting what you believe to be the thing on a pedestal. It's always just a little bit out of reach. It's always just a little bit never enough. It's always just, well, I'm, 40k launch, but I could have had a 42k launch, you know?
[00:05:53] It's that, it's just that little bit, just that, just that little bit. And actually, people [00:06:00] who I see have a perfectionism behavior, because it's not an identity, you are not a perfectionist, you are doing perfectionism. It's a behavior, it's a behavioral trait, it's a habitual pattern, that you have learned from a subconscious belief, from a subconscious programming, from a part that's come in, usually between the ages of zero to seven.
[00:06:22] that you believe that everything needs to be perfect in order for you to be enough, in order for you to feel loved, in order for you to feel successful. So you constantly strive for this because you think that being perfect, quote unquote perfect, even though nine times out of 10, when I question my, my clients on, okay, what is the perfect, what is perfect?
[00:06:45] They can't give me an answer. It's not clear in their heads. So We're striving towards this imaginary thing that we don't even know what it looks like, right? But when we have the perfectionism behavior, it's because of these extremely high standards you set on yourself. And actually, that makes you feel never ever satisfied.
[00:07:05] Never satisfied with what you've achieved, never satisfied with what you've accomplished, because there's always room for more. Oh, there's always room for a little bit more. That PDF could have been a little bit better. The way I did those stories, mmm, could have been better. That client that just signed, It was only one client though, wasn't it?
[00:07:32] And these tendencies come in so often. And it really stumps your growth because you're constantly stuck in this perfectionism behavior, this setting extremely high standards of yourself, that actually logically You could probably never meet, and nor could any living human on the planet meet, you know? We set these high standards, and actually it's a form of self sabotage.
[00:07:59] It's a form of, well, if I'd s If it, if it was a 40k launch, well it should have been a 50k launch. And then you're sabotaged then, then you're in the sabotage pattern and a lot of this is sabotage that comes up. The next thing I see is this illusion of destinational happiness. And I speak about this all the time.
[00:08:22] And it's that, that feeling, that thought process, that pattern, that you think, that thing that you are striving towards right now, that goal, is going to give you certain feelings. If you achieve that specific goal or that specific milestone, it will bring this lasting fulfillment, this unbelievable happiness.
[00:08:48] I will finally be successful. And by God, did I do this with the phrase six figure business owner? I had, I was obsessed back in [00:09:00] 2020 of becoming a six figure business owner because I thought, Oh, when I get there. That's it. My life's complete. My life, we can sit back, we can relax. My life is complete. And guess what?
[00:09:19] I got to six figures and I still was like, hmm, well, that's not enough now, is it? So the mindset of this destinational happiness It's where the destination is so attached to the feelings that you could currently be feeling right now. You know I speak about this all the time. Rather than you experiencing in the present moment.
[00:09:41] Now, in the membership for March, we really focused on becoming her. If you want to jump into the membership, you get access to every month we've ever done. From June of 2023. There is so much content in there. There is so much goodness that you can consume. So in March, we really focused on the process of becoming fur.
[00:10:04] And what I got the members to do inside the membership was a meditation challenge. Now, this meditation was all about the feelings, because actually if we look at the 5D realm, the quantum realm, which I'm not going to go into today, but if we look at the quantum realm, we can really see that the feelings and the thoughts are what perpetuate our external reality, our 3D reality.
[00:10:34] So actually, we have the ability To feel the feelings right now, and I've said this probably on every podcast that's ever gone out. We have the real knowing and real understanding when you get to know the tools around this, and this is why I did it for March in the membership, that you can tap into the feelings that you're currently attaching to that goal right now, right here, right now.
[00:11:01] If we were in a session together right now, I would be able to lead you into those feelings. Now your external reality hasn't changed an inch. You haven't achieved anything more. You haven't done anything more. You haven't hustled anymore. You're here, you're now, and you're feeling the feelings. So actually, the destinational happiness That you believe the thing that you're trying to reach is going to give you, that imaginary goalpost, which I speak about so often, is actually deterring you from celebrating your achievements.
[00:11:41] Because what you've done is you've told your subconscious mind that when we get there, we're gonna feel this. And actually what happens is you get there, And you don't feel it. Because no external will ever give you the internal feelings for long enough. [00:12:00] Yes, you might have had a 100k launch and you get that burst.
[00:12:05] That burst of like, Whoa, I've done it. How long does that last? Not very long if you haven't done the internal work around it. Yes, I know. I know this is resonating with you. So, again, I see a lot of the illusion of destinational happiness. And maybe just have a question for yourself. Where am I pinning this destinational happiness?
[00:12:31] Like, where do I think this destination, or what do I think this destination is going to give me? And how can I give that to myself today? Jump in the membership, go into March, and listen to the meditation for March. The Challenge Meditation. It is out of this world. I've had people crying at it daily. So, that is what's going to help you really tap into the feelings, so you can actually detach from the goal.
[00:12:58] The Challenge Meditation. You become neutral to the goal. You detach from the goal. And what that means, 9 times out of 10, is the goal comes fricking quicker anyway. Because you're vibrating at the energy of the goal. You're matching yourself to that goal. And the goal comes in quicker because your reticular activated system is switched on.
[00:13:18] You're looking for opportunities, your eyes are open to it, lots of good things happen when we let go of destinational happiness. The next one I see is the fear of complacency. And this again is a trait of a high achiever. Behaviour. Again, it is not an identity, it is a behaviour. And sometimes I see individuals fear that if they celebrate their achievements too much, If we celebrate just a little bit too much, If I speak about this a little bit too much, If I go and pop this champagne about what I've just achieved a little bit too much, I might become complacent.
[00:14:03] And then I will lose my drive. Because I can't celebrate, and be in the present, And really think, wow, what have I just achieved? Because then I'll lose my drive for success. And there is this equation, this correlation, that if you get complacent and if you do start celebrating, that you will no longer strive.
[00:14:26] Which is bullshit. We know that. That is a belief. That is a perception. That is a story that you've told yourself. And it's, and it's time now to go, I can celebrate my achievements and still have my drive and do it simultaneously. The next thing I see is comparison. Yes. Yes. Yes. And, you know, we, we, we love to be winning, right?
[00:14:54] As humans. And this was a real big Real big [00:15:00] belief that I had to work on, especially from the performing arts industry, because every single weekend I would spend my full weekend at dance competitions from the age of three. And I think my last dance competition was 15. So for that time, that length of time, pretty much every weekend.
[00:15:20] And I used to have eyeshadow that was. Uh, blue, pink, blue, across my eyes. Yes, it was divine. I'm sure I've got a picture somewhere if you ever want to see it. I had that same eye shadow for like 10 years. Awful. Um, but because of the dance festival, I was constantly in a story. I was constantly being in a pattern where there would be 20 people.
[00:15:50] And the only option was first, second or third. And if you didn't get any of those, and to be honest, if you just didn't get first, there was a big narrative around you not being good enough. Now, if I look at that from my adult self and the work that I did around this, It was a judge who had an opinion, and that was it.
[00:16:09] Didn't mean anything about me, it was just the dancer that she liked, the dance that she liked, the person who performed the best for her on that day. But as a child, as a three year old child, and my first, my very first dance was Winnie the Pooh, yes, I had a full Winnie the Pooh outfit, my little jazz dance to Winnie the Pooh.
[00:16:31] It was her opinion, and I was taking that opinion on as mine, and it made me believe that if I'm not first, I'm not good enough. So when I got into the industry, when I got into this industry, Oh, my God. My God. Because there is no quote unquote winner. Everyone is doing different things. Everyone is doing it a different way.
[00:16:58] Yes, okay, you could be top of the industry. Mel Robbins, Tony Robbins, Marie Forleo. Okay, I get that. But none of those are still quote unquote winning. Like, I get to win every day just being me. And I really had to learn that because what happens with this kind of constant striving and this Extremely high standards.
[00:17:21] And not letting yourself celebrate. And kind of chasing the result. Is usually because you want to be first. And that sometimes, for me, was a really hard pill to swallow. And if someone started to do better than me, or if I was doing really well, I would be so happy. If I started to not do really well, it would ruin my life, my business, my everything.
[00:17:47] Then I would fall into comparison. Then I saw what someone else was achieving more than me. And then that made me feel inadequate. That made me feel like it was difficult to celebrate my own. my own [00:18:00] accomplishments because I was constantly in this like, oh well, on to the next, on to the next, on to the next.
[00:18:05] And actually, for the first time ever, for, for a very long time, and I've done a lot of work on this, what I've loved so much about being in the mastermind that I'm in at the moment is they're winning everywhere. Everyone's winning and I love it. I love being part of the win. I love being part of being in the winner.
[00:18:26] And, but it's because I'm winning always. I'm always winning, so actually there's nothing to compare to, and really watching how I'm comparing myself. I have so many clients reach out and be like, Oh, the last, you know, the client that you've just celebrated on your stories has triggered me a little bit, and I really have to talk to them because you do not know what you are comparing yourself to.
[00:18:53] They might have a different niche, they might have been doing it. X amount of years, they might have a different upbringing to you. They might not have the same beliefs as you. They might've had money to put in at the beginning. They might not have had any money at all. There is so many differences that we are comparing ourself to something that doesn't even make sense to compare yourself to.
[00:19:15] There are so many anomalies in this industry. In this world, to be honest, that we don't take into consideration. That we don't look and go, Actually, can I just get curious as to why this is making me feel this way? And it's the perception that you're taking from that person, and putting onto your own story, and it's you that's making it.
[00:19:39] That's telling yourself that you are not good enough. It's actually got nothing to do with them. It's the story of the comparison that you're putting on yourself. It's the story that you've made from the people that you're comparing yourself to that's making you feel like shit. And actually, once again, it is a self sabotaging behavior.
[00:19:58] I used to do it all the time. I would actively seek out the people who I knew would trigger me, because I could play Little Miss Victim for a little bit longer. And by God, do you have to get so emotionally intelligent with that? Because of course you're going to be looking on Instagram, of course you're going to be scrolling, num numbing yourself on a scroll every now and again because you need it.
[00:20:24] But, it's what you're making it mean, it's what you are making it mean about you. And I see that so much. And then the last one is the lack of self validation. And a lot of the time where we're constantly striving, we're constantly on to the next. And this was exactly what was around my, um, striving to the next and never celebrating, was the difficulty in internally validating my own worth.
[00:20:53] So I had to seek external validation instead. And if I couldn't find that. [00:21:00] If I couldn't find that validation that I was looking for, which usually I didn't really ever know what I was looking for anyway, and even if I did know, it was never what I wanted, I couldn't celebrate. I couldn't celebrate.
[00:21:15] Because I couldn't stand in my own worth, I couldn't stand in my own belief, I couldn't stand in my own trust and go, We've fucking done it, Beck. Ugh, I've got goosebumps. Like, I couldn't do that because I couldn't see myself. And actually, the more you start to learn how to see yourself, how to believe in yourself, how to trust yourself, you know I've done podcasts about how much trust and belief is your gateway to success.
[00:21:46] The more you can do that, the more you will internally validate yourself. The more you will stop and go, Oh, look what we've just done. Wow. What have we just achieved? And it really does switch the game for you. So those are kind of the common behavioral patterns that I see within clients that I've worked with, clients that have worked through this with me.
[00:22:10] Cause this is exactly what I do inside my one to one containers. Now let's have a look at the reasons why this is happening, and I want to have a look from a neuroscience perspective. Now most of the time, the behavioral patterns are coming from habit formation. And what the neuroscience research says is that the repetitive behaviors, um, such as what we've been talking about, the striving for new goals without pausing and really celebrating your achievements, have become ingrained in your neural pathway.
[00:22:43] And over time, the more you practice achieving something and not celebrating, achieving something, not feeling good enough, achieving something, not celebrating, achieving something, not feeling good enough, you are overriding The conscious decision making and what happens is it leads to an automatic behavior.
[00:23:04] So if you are currently doing this, if you are currently sitting and walking or in the shower listening to this podcast and feeling so motherfucking seen right now, it is a habitual behavior that you have done. And that's okay, because guess what? We can change behaviors. We can change habits. We can change neural pathways.
[00:23:27] Our brain is neuroplastic. Welcome to my world, where we can change. It is so magical, this is why. I love the subconscious mind because we have a literal key in our skull that allows us to make changes in our life. How magic is that? So actually start looking at what the habit is around it and start looking at why.
[00:23:57] Get curious as to the habit [00:24:00] around achieving, not, not celebrating, achieving, moving on to the next, achieving, not thinking it's good enough. Because, again, it is coming in as a protection part, it's coming in as safety, to really stop you celebrating. Because if you celebrate, that probably means that you're successful, and being successful, It's very scary.
[00:24:18] That's usually what's happening. So, how can we start to strive, like I was saying right at the beginning of the podcast, how can we start to have this strive, this determination, this tenacity, this go getter, this hungry for success, this constantly wanting more, this ambition? And also, really, really enjoy the journey too.
[00:24:39] Because we can have both. It's not one or the other. It's not this or that. It is in tandem. I can be ambitious, striving for the next, determined. And I can celebrate and be present in where I am. And enjoy the journey. The first thing is, the most simple thing I will ever say, is gratitude and being in the goddamn present.
[00:25:09] Being in the present is very scary for people. It was very scary for me. But that, that stopping and taking check and having a moment where you can Really bring the presence into your body, and that's usually not through your phone. And that's not from posting it on stories and celebrating with everyone else, hashtag external validation.
[00:25:38] That is having that moment where you sit,
[00:25:44] you breathe, and you go, We did it. Look what we just did. And even that moment is going to be big enough for you to have that stop. Because a lot of the time, we don't like stopping, especially high achievers. Because if we stop, we stop. We can't stop. I've got to keep going. I've got to keep doing things.
[00:26:12] Whereas if you have that moment with yourself, literally practice that. Literally one minute. I mean, it wasn't even a minute. It was about four seconds. Where you just stop. You're breathing in. You're having that moment and you're reflecting on what you've just achieved. And the more you can do this, the more you can flex this muscle on the tiniest things, broken through a belief, changed a bit of a habit, hit the hundred K, you know, it can be really huge things, really, really small things.
[00:26:46] Your subconscious will start to rewire. We will start to rewire the program, the habitual response that I've just been speaking about. So your subconscious [00:27:00] goes, Oh, okay, this is a new pattern. This is a new neural pathway. When we achieve things, she has a moment to actually assess what she's done. Okay, we need to practice this a couple of times because this is new.
[00:27:16] We've never done this before. Oh, this feels a little bit scary. Okay. She's doing it again. Feels less scared. Okay. She's doing it again. Feels less. Okay. Now it's your reality and it will happen, but you have to become consciously competent at this because otherwise you are going to be striving until you're in the grave and you will never get there.
[00:27:41] You will never ever get there because there's never been a human on this earth that strives towards something, achieves it, and then sits back and does absolutely nothing for the Forevermore, because as humans, we are programmed to constantly want to change, to constantly want to evolve, to constantly want to learn.
[00:28:03] And I know that of you. So are you going to be striving for the rest of your life to your 99 or 100? You probably want to make a hundred if you're a high achiever. Um, I know I want to make a hundred cause my nan made a hundred. She was an absolute powerhouse. Um, but are you going to be striving till we're a hundred and never feeling good enough?
[00:28:23] Or are we going to be striving and feeling good enough at the fucking same time, because by God, how different your life will be and how much more enjoyable your business will be as well. So gratitude and being in the present. Second thing is the evidence bank, which I've popped in a couple of times during this podcast.
[00:28:42] Start creating that evidence bank of the success that you've created and properly sit there and look at it and reflect and be present with it of like How you, what you've done, how you've achieved, how you've changed, what you've learned. This is why I actually really like vlogs, because I can look back and be like, My God, I was saying that at that point and now I'm here.
[00:29:01] You know, like that kind of evidence where, maybe it's a journal and you can go back in your journal and be like, Wow, those were the beliefs I was having at this point and look at me now, or Wow, that was what was going on at this point and now look at me now. Look how far I've come. It's just this incredible evidence bank to show the subconscious how far and And what you are changing because we get so used to our surroundings very, very quickly as humans.
[00:29:25] And I always notice this when the times change and we go into like the lighter versus darker nights, right? Very quickly. We get used to it going dark at 4 PM. And then when it starts to be light at 7 PM, you're like, Oh, What is this phenomenon? It's light at 7pm, you're like Honestly, me and Jack sit on the sofa and I'm like, Babe.
[00:29:49] It's ten past six and it's still light, but I mean, that happens every year, but because we get so used to it being dark at 4pm, and it becomes our normal very, very [00:30:00] quickly, we forget what used to be, we forget what could be, we, we kind of get so sucked into that, that moment that we're never kind of reflecting, we're never kind of looking, and so, just like the surprise you have when it's still light at 11pm in the summer, Where you were like, remember Christmas, and it was dark at 4pm?
[00:30:24] It's almost having that reflection back to yourself, being like, remember in December of 2022, when you were feeling this way and we no longer feel this way, or, remember when you wanted to achieve this and now we have? Just having that sheer moment of reflection, Oh, is going to be so good for you and keep creating the evidence bank.
[00:30:43] The last thing I want to talk about today, and it always comes down to the safety is making the success feel safe because a lot of the time we do have this huge fear of success, especially high achievers. We have less fear of failure. And more fear of success, if I'm honest. And I see that across the board with many, many clients that I work with.
[00:31:04] We never, failure is not in our vocabulary. Failure is not a fricking option for these ambitious powerhouses. It's actually. Wow, who do I become when I am successful? Wow, like what happens when I'm successful? All of these fears of success, I've spoke about this on many, many podcasts. I'll pop a couple in the show notes for you.
[00:31:26] But actually creating safety around the success. So you can have that moment where you go, Oh my God, look what I've achieved. And not fall into this sabotage. You actually have that moment where you go, look what I've achieved. And it's safe that I've achieved it. That's what allowed me and allows me to continuously uplevel in my business, to continuously uplevel in my life, because I create safety around the levels that I'm moving through.
[00:31:54] That is really important too. Oh, I absolutely loved today's podcast episode. I hope you did as well. If you have never left a rating or a review on this podcast, I would absolutely love to see them there. If you enjoy it, if you're here every week, let me know, because I love to hear that I'm in your ears.
[00:32:11] And I'll see you on that next podcast episode.
More about Higher Self & I:
Higher Self & I is the podcast for ambitious female entrepreneurs who are ready to achieve and sustain mind-blowing results in their biz. It’s a show that will release you of your victim mindset and give you complete freedom and energy to jump into the self you always knew you could be. Each week, Rebecca Haydon will help you lock your mindset into gear and empower you to step into the person you always knew you were meant to be – a bad-ass CEO who is here to claim her freaking millionaire life!